On being alone

On the relationship front, I’m still bumping along with the stuff that one must do to get divorced.

I saw a mortgage banker on Friday to get the financing details all straightened out. That was a good meeting as it helped me feel confident and empowered about my ability to take care of myself. It’s still scary to think that I will be paying the mortgage and bills all by myself, but on paper it all works out. I’m even borrowing a bit more so I can (finally!!) remodel the kitchen. Getting a dishwasher will be sweet!

But all of this stuff won’t happen until January most likely. December will be spent slogging through more negotiations between me, Mark and the lawyers. That is just so depressing. Especially since I really just want this over and done with as fast as possible now.

I want to go on a mini-vacation for a few days to adjust and refresh. I want to get moving on the planning around the kitchen remodel. I really just want to get on with my life.

On the one hand, having Mark living here with me still is sort of disrupting all of these plans and making me irritated. On the other hand, when he is not here I start feeling lonely. I don’t miss him, I just miss having someone here with me.

I lived on my own for several years before getting married to Mark. I used to really enjoy living alone and being able to do what I wanted during my free time. But for the past 12 years that hasn’t been the case. While the freedom sounds intoxicating and good in theory, in practice I still have some adjusting to do.

This weekend was really good for me up until tonight. I met Rachael, Jamie, and Shannon on Friday after work for a dinner out and a walk through the Christkindlmarkt at Daley Plaza. (I was very good and didn’t buy anything there: not even a snack or drink.)

Last night, I met up with Rachael and Jamie again for a movie night. Rachael cooked us a yummy dinner of lamb burgers, roasted sweet potato, and salad. Then we went to see Let the Right One In. Jamie hated the movie, but Rachael and I liked it. The cinematography was great and the characters were interesting. It was certainly not a light-hearted movie, but it wasn’t all doom and gloom either.

Tonight, though, I am alone for now and it’s got me feeling a bit sad. In the past several years, I sort of enjoyed these hours alone before Mark came home from a get together with his guy friends or some other such diversion. He will be coming back to the house tonight, but in the not too distant future I will be here all by myself. And that just sucks.


Of course I’ve been busy with work, but I have found time to have some fun lately.

One of the pleasures of living in a large city is the range of experiences and diversions open to you. Last night, I went with my friends Rachael and Shannon to the Music Box Theatre for one of the strangest and memorable experiences I’ve ever had.

I always enjoy attending a film at the Music Box. While the management has found a way to wedge in a small screening room where they show a few films, most movies are screened in a well-preserved example of the grand old cinemas that were the norm in the first half of the 20th century. OK, the original seats aren’t as comfy as those found in the modern cineplex, but the beautiful interior is a treat.

Music Box also shows films that you just can’t see anywhere else in Chicago. I remember seeing Guillermo del Toro‘s film Cronos at the Music Box in 1993 and being entertained by a live organ performance before the film started. Last summer Mark and I went there to see The War Tapes (which I highly recommend).

Last night Music Box presented a live performance of Brand Upon the Brain!. I’m still not sure how to interpret this film, but the performances were fantastic and the experience was, as I said, very memorable. I don’t think there was an empty seat in the house, and it was a lot of fun to have the Foley artists right below the screen so I could see how they made some of sound effects. Who knew what a key role celery plays in horror films!

We had beautiful weather yesterday, too, so it was quite a treat to sit outside at Julius Meinl for a pre-movie nosh. The sandwiches were good, but the Millenium Torte was awesomely yummy!

I wish I could say that I spent the splendid day working in my garden, but I can’t. I still have no beds in place for my vegetables, and I’m starting to get a bit annoyed by the delay. Apparently the landscaper wants to time things such that the crew is here to complete the entire job — hardscaping the yard (including building the veggie beds) and putting in the ornamentals — and not have to come back again to finish. She’s waiting for the dreaded 17-year cicadas to emerge, mate, and die before kicking off the project.

Instead of working in the garden, I spent the gorgeous day indoors yesterday learning Japanese short rows at a Windy City Knitting Guild workshop. I’ve worked short rows before, but I was very pleased to learn this new techinque which makes much, much better results for me.

I’m still working on the Lift and Separate wrap sweater and the same pair of Tofutsies socks. I haven’t had a lot of knitting time lately, so my WIPs are going quite slowly. I’m in the finishing stage of the sweater but there’s just a lot of finishing involved for this sweater, including knitting and sewing on the edging, and knitting the side ties. K1P1 ribbing is just not a fast knit for me.

Typically I don’t showcase photos of yarn but I just can’t resist showing this off.

Recycled and handpainted cashmere yarnIt’s a “reclaimed” yarn from Allspunup on Etsy. She unraveled the yarn from a sweater, washed and set the yarn, plied it to make a slightly thicker yarn, and then handpainted it. This is a fingering weight yarn that I’m going to use to make a small shawl/scarf for myself. The price was very reasonable, and she was super fast in getting it to me: I ordered on a Friday and had it in my hands on Monday.

I think Etsy is my newest obsession…