Dreams of my youth

My subconscious is so mysterious to me. I know there’s a lot of processing going on in it all the time. A few times a year, a rare gem emerges from it: insights into one of my behaviors/actions or that of a family member or close friend, for example. I find this both marvelous and frustrating, because I wish it didn’t take me so long to figure stuff out. It seems most other people are better at reading these tea leaves than me.

In the past few months I’ve had several nights full of vivid and highly memorable dreams featuring an old boyfriend. This was my first serious boyfriend and he entered my life at a time when I was still quite young (late teens). We kept up an on again/off again relationship over a long distance for many years.

I have regrets about how our relationship stopped being an exclusive one and became what it did instead. For many years, I felt that this change was all my fault for being so needy and fragile. (Of course I realize that narrative is wrong now.) I thought I wanted to marry him, and he didn’t seem keen on it. So I shut him out for a while and pursued another relationship that ended up being very bad.

When we reconnected years later a lot was different, but we were still attracted to each other and that there was a comfortable familiarity, too. He was going through a tough time. His mother was dying and he wanted me to visit him so badly that he paid for my plane ticket since I didn’t have the money to do it.

And so our odd long-distance relationship truly began. It was a FWB arrangement, at a time when that phrase hadn’t yet entered the general lexicon. We enjoyed each other’s company, felt comfort with each other, yet didn’t have to put in the real work of a relationship. He had moved since our exclusive days and now lived in a popular tourist destination, so there was always something fun to do during those long weekend visits.

For me, there was still the tug and desire for a more traditional LTR, though. Once or twice I’d get wrapped up with someone and wouldn’t see him for many months, or even a year or two. But when the relationship didn’t work out, I would get in touch and a visit would be arranged. To me and probably most people he seemed to be a dedicated bachelor.

Once he paid for another very expensive plane ticket to fly me halfway around the world with him to visit his father. We were together day and night for more than two weeks, and I realized how much of a challenge it would be for me to live with him every day. When I returned from that trip I started dating the man who I would marry just over a year later (and divorce 11 years after that). I recall talking to him about my choice to marry and receiving his best wishes.

After my divorce, I reached out to him again and arranged a visit with him. We had both changed a lot over the years, but he was still a bachelor. In just those few days it was clear we still hadn’t changed so much that our habits wouldn’t rub against each other in uncomfortable ways, though.

 

When I next contacted him a few months later he told me he was seeing someone and was thinking that they may get married. It was my turn to pass on best wishes to him and we haven’t interacted since then.

But in the past few months I’ve had these vivid dreams about him. In these dreams, he is usually in bed with me, mostly as a comforting presence, but sometimes there is physical contact. I wake from these dreams full of longing and wanting to sink back into that dream state where I have him next to me. Recalling our times together I remember how much he made me laugh, the meals we enjoyed, and conversations and adventures we had.

Years ago, I visited the city where we had lived together with a friend. After a few days of my nostalgic comments of how much I missed living there my friend questioned me “Do you really miss the city or do you miss being that young?”

I think that is what is going on in my head when I sleep. He has become a symbol of my youth and of simpler times. Of how connecting with another person could be fun and not require examination or emotional labor. I miss the time when my body seemed less of a burden and more of a joy, and when I had someone who I could turn to for physical, animal comfort: a cuddle, a kiss, a fuck.

Now that I’ve puzzled this out and written it down, I wonder if the dreams will stop. I’m not sure I want them to.

Today I turn 50

It’s been an easy going day. My company has volunteer day today so there were no meetings. I decided since it’s my birthday it’s reasonable to take most of the day off work. (Plus, there were no open volunteer projects that involved getting away from a computer.) So I got to knock a few things off my work To Do list while still enjoying some relax time.

One of today’s highlights: my mom called me and sang Happy Birthday. I was shocked and surprised that she would even remember my birthday. With her dementia advancing, most of the time she can’t even remember what she had for lunch or when we last talked, but golly she remembered my birthday. 🙂

Sister asked me what I’d like to do for my birthday and I requested that we pack a picnic and head to the little park along the river for a concert. Tonight is the first of a series of free musical performances in downtown Napa and the main band is a local favorite for good reason.

Other updates:

  • I’ve been getting pelvic floor physical therapy. It’s been helping me feel more comfortable about getting appropriate exercise that will help me build my strength back and lose weight without feeling like I’m injuring myself. It was also a relief to have someone in the medical field acknowledge that I did, indeed, have some real basis for the pain and discomfort I had been feeling when doing certain exercises.
  • A friend came to visit me from Chicago and we had a blast together for a week. There are so many amazing things to do within an hour or two of here. I really love living here.
  • There’s been knitting progress. I finished the knitting on another sweater for myself, but there are some fiddly finishing things I need to do, so I can’t consider it entirely done yet. I’ll get to it eventually. In the meantime I started a new cowl knit with linen yarn.
  • I’ve also done a lot of reading, including not just fiction but some good non-fiction. I’m currently about halfway through Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I’m highlighting many passages in this book, and plan to share a short post about it on our company internal social media network. My boss keeps prompting me to talk with leaders regularly and this has been making me anxious. Like most companies, leadership is very extroverted. Interacting with them wipes me out, but I have to figure out how to meet the expectation that I do this regularly. I’m studying the situation like a good introvert.

I’ve been getting lots of birthday wishes on Facebook, but despite a direct ask for birthday greetings on Twitter only one person has responded. Maybe it’s because yesterday was such a busy news day.

The progress loop trends downward

I’m in a bit of a dip again. I was doing really well until a few days ago. Last weekend I was knocking it out of the park: quigong at the gym on Friday, a long walk on Saturday morning with a new walking group (social time and exercise!), all the eye drops remembered, sensible eating and drinking, and adequate rest. I had a fun time visiting with a friend in San Francisco on Sunday, and felt some good restoration from a weekend of self-care.

As last week progressed I started to lose my grip. My work days weren’t going as planned (Ha, ha, ha! When do they ever?!) and I’m worried about missing some deadlines now. The House passed that stupid healthcare bill and since I’m a walking set of pre-existing conditions these days and have several people I care about who are, too, I started to panic inside. I went to quigong on Friday again, but was having trouble maintaining my focus. By afternoon I had ENOUGH when a random dude on a bike stopped me as I was rolling my trash bins into my driveway. He offered “help,” which apparently consisted of telling me the best way to do it myself. I let him ride away a few feet before commenting out loud that I didn’t need to be mansplained how to deal with my trash bins. Later, as I pulled in the parking lot of the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions (of yet more eye drops, of course), some other dude tried to pull out in front of me. When I tapped the horn to get his attention he stopped, but then yelled at me through his open window that I needed to “Slow down!” I completely lost it at that time and hurled foul words in his direction out my own open car window (many juicy F-bombs were dropped) and continued to grumble as I exited my car that I was TIRED OF MEN TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!

I coddled myself Friday night by eating leftovers, not turning on the news (or the TV at all, for that matter), and consuming a stiff vodka martini. But I did myself a disservice by poking around too much online. I had bad dreams that night, and the imagery was pulled from my browsing history. I roused myself at some early hour from a dream where I was in a small camper/tiny house that was inside another building or warehouse and was being ejected through the wall by a malevolent force. The only good thing about the night is I managed to wake up just enough to break through that dream cycle, but not enough that I was fully awake and unable to get back to sleep.

Still, I dragged myself out of bed with the sunrise and managed to make the walking group again. I visited the farmers market and got some yummies, but didn’t buy more than I can consume this week, and then hustled home to cook lunch. I met with a (very strong) potential short-term renter for this harvest season, and had a short rest to make up for my broken sleep.

Last night’s social event was spent with a friend I’ve made through my local knitting group (and also the local UU church when I decide to attend). We spent the evening enjoying some take out Indian food, a small amount of wine, and working on our knitting projects while we watched a movie. I had brought over Moonlight, which I’ve had on request from the library for (seemingly) ages. Wow. I struggled with understanding some of the dialog, but still. Wow. I couldn’t help crying at the end. This poor young man was so lonely, and I associated with it maybe too much.

I had such high hopes that when sister had moved here for good that we would friends and I’d have companionship. But that hasn’t turned out to be the case. Of course. Those expectations were unrealistic, yet I can’t seem to shut off the part of me that has them. Just today as we discussed a possible outing together she started using a nasty, impatient voice and then turned around and denied her annoyance when I mentioned it and blamed me for having an attitude. The outing never happened, needless to say.

Here’s another thing: I’ve been dealing with a “crush” the past month. It’s stupid, really, really stupid to have an attraction like this. I’m too embarrassed even to write more details about it, quite frankly, but it’s there and I am trying to shut it down really hard and failing. The person I am crushing on has no reason to know that I exist, and I wouldn’t even approach him and make him aware that I do since I feel so rotten about myself right now and I know I just could not stand any rejection.

So, I really identify with this aspect of the main character in Moonlight. That longing for connection and loneliness that’s not there. That had been there for a brief time, but was lost. I wish I could just shut down any romantic notions I have and make them go away permanently. I’m swearing off any romance novels for the near future, at least. I just can’t let my subconscious get any ideas that I’ll be encountering someone as I go about my life where there is a mutual attraction and a plausible chance of a relationship. I’m trying to sternly keep myself focused on strengthening friendships and taking care of myself. Those are realistic goals, at least.

Extreme introverting

Yeah, I’m still alive. I just haven’t felt up to writing. I keep shying away from it again and again.

This winter has brought lots of rain, which is good and bad. The drought is officially over in Northern California, and we’ve been experiencing flooding instead. It seems that in the Bay Area, the North Bay in particular has been getting hit with more rain and our infrastructure is suffering. With every storm I get alerts about road closures due to flooding or landslides.

I took a brief break to visit with friends in Portland, Oregon around the New Year. We spent a few days near Mt. Hood and I did some snowshoeing for the first time. Trying to return home became an ordeal due to the weather. The first of a series of ice/snow storms hit Portland, closing the airport and the public transit system down. After enduring two cancelled flights, I decided that the only way to get home was via rail and spent 21 hours on the Amtrak (bracketed by Lyft rides) so I could get to Oakland Airport and retrieve my car. Yes, it was a real Planes ,Trains, & Automobiles experience for me.

It turns out I timed my escape from Portland perfectly, as I managed to slip out just after the first storm hit, but before the second one could cripple the transportation in and around that city, and through the Northern California corridors even further. My train journey was delayed only three hours due to the flooding in Northern CA; it could have been much worse.

Other than that I’ve been mostly holed up at home, working and entertaining myself with ebooks, DVDs from the library, and Netflix. I’m getting lots of knitting done, too, and am working on a baby blanket for a friend and a pair of socks for my sister. Both projects will take me through February and into March, I’m sure.

I took a small break from my extreme introverting to attend a resistance march last Friday night (in the pouring rain, no less) and the Women’s March here in Napa. There were an impressive number of people out and about on a day that kept threatening rain (and eventually delivered while the speakers were still going strong). I met a couple of friends from knitting group and we marched together, wearing our pussy hats proudly. I had picked up the yarn for my hat while in Hood River, OR at a small yarn shop. I was delighted that the bright pink colorway was called Liberally Bleeding Heart. It only took about two days to knit up my hat and have it ready for the march. I’m still wearing it as my go-to hat and probably will for the next four years.

I’m sure some of the reason I’m so low energy is due to the political events. It’s draining to me to see the progress made in the past eight years dismantled, and to experience the gaslighting and crazy talk of the new administration. (Enough said there. I just…can’t.)

Health-wise, I’m also trying hard to focus on the fundamentals: eat nutritious food (yet not too much), get the right amount of exercise, and get enough sleep. I’m doing pretty good with the food part, but the exercise and sleep parts are challenges. It seems that even one night of less than perfect sleep can mess me up for many days, and trying to make exercise challenging enough without overdoing it and causing physical discomfort has been hard. I thought I had been doing pretty well with my exercise level at the end of November/beginning of December, but then started having unusual pains in my lower abdomen near the surgery site. That made me back off completely for a while. Now I’m trying to figure out how to avoid that, while still getting myself back into shape.

I see this extreme introverting (as I’m calling it) continuing through the rest of the winter, at least. Maybe spring will bring some renewed mental and physical resilience.

How has your winter been?

Two years in

I arrived in Napa, California two years ago today: December 1, 2014. It was raining that day and I recall being surprised by the weather. I was expecting there to be blue skies and sunshine since I knew the area was in drought.

The weather continued cool and rainy that first week. The movers unpacking my shipping container of belongings tracked wet leaves across the floors and cautioned me that the paint on the front steps made them slippery. Non-skid throw rugs and treads for the front steps were bumped up my priority purchase list.

The rains eventually abated by the end of the week. They returned a few times, but I enjoyed the mostly blue skies and sun. I savored the crisp air and cool temperatures that left a thin film of frost on my car windows overnight and once or twice led to a frost warning. I could still wear my precious hand-knitted hats, scarfs, and shawls, but didn’t miss the bulk of the thick down coat I had to don in Chicago winters.

Spring arrived in February, with new growth on the deciduous trees and blooming calla lilies in the front yard. The robins appeared in March, and by April I was already regularly wearing short sleeves and capris during my weekly hikes. In late May I was wearing linen and sweating during the day at the local music festival, yet still found it necessary to put on a fleece as the sun went down to combat the evening chill. From May through November I don’t recall any rain at all, but then the winter rains started again and the cycle was complete.

I’ve found that the seasons here are the same as back in Chicago, but they are on an accelerated schedule and there is no snow to shovel. The climate suits me, and my skin doesn’t dry up like it used to every winter in Chicago.

I love Northern California and am glad I moved here. Every single time my gaze falls on the high hills framing the valley, I smile and sigh with pleasure. Despite the health challenges that cropped up within just a few months of my arrival, I am happy in this place. But I am also frequently lonely.

It takes time to make friends as an adult. Friendships were easier while in high school and college, when everyone was moving through similar milestones. It seems that I am out of sync with the vast majority of people in this small town at the edge of the sprawling Bay Area. Most of the women I meet are wives and mothers, and their schedules revolve around their children and husbands. They may be able to meet once a week for knitting or the occasional game night, but they aren’t available on the weekends.

If I lived closer to San Francisco there would be many more single professional women my age and I would have a livelier social life on the weekends. I figured this out before I bought a house here and settled in more deeply. Despite the social challenges, I still chose to stay because I enjoy the other privileges that come with the lower density: quiet, lack of heavy traffic, shorter lines for services, quick access to large swathes of open space, and breath-taking natural beauty.

Two years in I’m still loving Napa. May the honeymoon never end.

img_1723

 

Dystopian imaginings

I can’t avoid the news forever, so I’m occasionally reading some of the summaries and articles about the president-elect and the cabinet appointments he’s making. These are truly dark times (and I’m not just talking about the return to Standard Time and shortening day length).

As bad as it may seem to have Trump as president-elect, I’m actually more worried that the only option would be to replace him with Pence. Unless these seemingly cockamamie claims that the Russians hacked the election are true and audited results change the election outcome, if Trump is found unfit to serve as president we’ll get Pence as our POTUS. Trump may be a buffoon and a profiteer, but Pence is a scary, scary guy.

The litany of strong social conservative positions he’s championed or made law in Indiana is long. He believes in conversion therapy for LGBTQ people, and is vehemently anti-choice. This is the guy who inspired the Periods for Pence (now Periods for Pols) social media group and inspired Indiana women to call his office and report on their menstrual periods.

I have high school friends in Indiana who have first hand experience with living in a state run by this guy. One friend is the mother of a transgender young adult. She’s angry and scared that her child will suffer under a Trump/Pence administration.

Trump is already showing signs of being unlikely to rise to the demands of being POTUS. The crazy conspiracy theory part of my brain is thinking that maybe this was always the plan of the Republicans: use Trump to win the election since he’s able to appeal to the masses, then replace him with Pence as the real president. We truly have a situation of bad to worse here even if there are no grand schemes in play.

Entertain me! (What I’m watching)

I’ve been off work for the past five weeks recovering from my surgery. That means I’ve had plenty of time to read and watch media. I’ve done some reading, but I’ve been doing quite a bit of multitasking (knitting) that is difficult to manage while reading, so there has been a significant amount of viewing happening. (Yes, I do find it possible to knit while reading, but only very simple knitting; working on a cabled sweater isn’t simple for me.)

While I do have “pay channels” they aren’t the premium ones, so most of the media I watch is streamed through my Roku on either Netflix or Amazon Prime. I also recently purchased a Blu-Ray player since I was finding it a PITA to keep connecting up my laptop to the TV when I wanted to watch a DVD. (Also, my laptop is old enough that I don’t think it would even play a Blu-Ray disc if I wanted to rent or borrow one.)

Here’s what I’ve been watching and enjoying:

Poldark: This BBC-produced PBS Masterpiece series is currently broadcasting Season Two now, but I hadn’t gotten around to watching Season One before my convalescing period, so I had to catch up first by watching Season One on Amazon Prime. Then I was able to piece together Season Two from my DVR recordings and the PBS app on my Roku. What’s not to love here: beautiful scenery, a very attractive leading man who is also a likeable character, great costumes, a decent storyline, and a historical setting. (Amazon Prime, PBS app, local PBS station)

Fleabag: Another BBC drama, but this one is contemporary. Each of the six episodes is only 30 minutes long, so it doesn’t take long to binge watch. I watched them all in a single afternoon while I was still in the hospital. (Hooray for great hospital wi-fi!) Yeah, the main character has done some questionable things in her life, but seeing how her family treats her you start to understand why she is an emotional wreck. It’s not a light-hearted series, but I’ve been recommending it to my friends because it is so real and raw. (Amazon Prime)

The Kettering Incident: I actually watched the first two episodes of this thriller back in early September when I had some plane travel. I was intrigued, but found I wasn’t deeply pulled in until about the third or fourth episode. By the end of the series, I was hooked and I’m hoping the show will continue. (Amazon Prime)

Love & Friendship: I love costume dramas, but don’t automatically consider myself a Jane Austen fan. I have a hard time struggling through the writing and dialog from that period, and I know I lose many subtleties. So I guess it’s no surprise that I’d rate this movie sort of “meh.” It seems witty and clever, and there were parts that just went right over my head.  It did get very good reviews, though. (Amazon Prime)

Longmire: Crime dramas are like popcorn; it’s easy to work through quite a bit without paying close attention. That may not sound like a ringing endorsement of this series, but it engages me at just the right level. Plus I love the scenery of Wyoming and have learned how surprisingly diverse it is. (It’s not all cowboys and Indians.) I’ve also become invested in the characters, too. I’m nearly through three seasons and still have two more left, but I was still bummed to see that the series is nearing its end. (Netflix)

Anzac Girls: I ran across this series last year and set my DVR to record it. But when I went to watch the first episode I recorded, I realized that it wasn’t the first of the series so I deleted the few I had captured. Then I ran across the DVDs at my local library and decided to check them out. (Actually, finding this series on DVD was a pivotal reason I ordered my Blu-Ray player.) The subject matter is serious — nursing in WWI — but the series is based on historical figures and features strong female leads. This is the type of medical drama I enjoy much more than the contemporary ones. (DVD)

The Durrells in Corfu: Set in the 1930s, this memoir of growing up in a quirky British family that moved to Corfu is delightful. So far only three out of six episodes have aired on PBS, so there are a few more to look forward to in the coming weeks. (PBS app on Roku)

This isn’t a comprehensive listing of my viewing habits. I’ve also consumed some local news and spent one day largely zoning out to HGTV as I napped off and on. As I’ve recovered and increased my stamina I’ve been watching less TV and spending more time getting out and about. I still made time to watch a few games in the World Series and was ecstatic that the Cubs won this year! Woo hoo!