Dreams of my youth

My subconscious is so mysterious to me. I know there’s a lot of processing going on in it all the time. A few times a year, a rare gem emerges from it: insights into one of my behaviors/actions or that of a family member or close friend, for example. I find this both marvelous and frustrating, because I wish it didn’t take me so long to figure stuff out. It seems most other people are better at reading these tea leaves than me.

In the past few months I’ve had several nights full of vivid and highly memorable dreams featuring an old boyfriend. This was my first serious boyfriend and he entered my life at a time when I was still quite young (late teens). We kept up an on again/off again relationship over a long distance for many years.

I have regrets about how our relationship stopped being an exclusive one and became what it did instead. For many years, I felt that this change was all my fault for being so needy and fragile. (Of course I realize that narrative is wrong now.) I thought I wanted to marry him, and he didn’t seem keen on it. So I shut him out for a while and pursued another relationship that ended up being very bad.

When we reconnected years later a lot was different, but we were still attracted to each other and that there was a comfortable familiarity, too. He was going through a tough time. His mother was dying and he wanted me to visit him so badly that he paid for my plane ticket since I didn’t have the money to do it.

And so our odd long-distance relationship truly began. It was a FWB arrangement, at a time when that phrase hadn’t yet entered the general lexicon. We enjoyed each other’s company, felt comfort with each other, yet didn’t have to put in the real work of a relationship. He had moved since our exclusive days and now lived in a popular tourist destination, so there was always something fun to do during those long weekend visits.

For me, there was still the tug and desire for a more traditional LTR, though. Once or twice I’d get wrapped up with someone and wouldn’t see him for many months, or even a year or two. But when the relationship didn’t work out, I would get in touch and a visit would be arranged. To me and probably most people he seemed to be a dedicated bachelor.

Once he paid for another very expensive plane ticket to fly me halfway around the world with him to visit his father. We were together day and night for more than two weeks, and I realized how much of a challenge it would be for me to live with him every day. When I returned from that trip I started dating the man who I would marry just over a year later (and divorce 11 years after that). I recall talking to him about my choice to marry and receiving his best wishes.

After my divorce, I reached out to him again and arranged a visit with him. We had both changed a lot over the years, but he was still a bachelor. In just those few days it was clear we still hadn’t changed so much that our habits wouldn’t rub against each other in uncomfortable ways, though.

 

When I next contacted him a few months later he told me he was seeing someone and was thinking that they may get married. It was my turn to pass on best wishes to him and we haven’t interacted since then.

But in the past few months I’ve had these vivid dreams about him. In these dreams, he is usually in bed with me, mostly as a comforting presence, but sometimes there is physical contact. I wake from these dreams full of longing and wanting to sink back into that dream state where I have him next to me. Recalling our times together I remember how much he made me laugh, the meals we enjoyed, and conversations and adventures we had.

Years ago, I visited the city where we had lived together with a friend. After a few days of my nostalgic comments of how much I missed living there my friend questioned me “Do you really miss the city or do you miss being that young?”

I think that is what is going on in my head when I sleep. He has become a symbol of my youth and of simpler times. Of how connecting with another person could be fun and not require examination or emotional labor. I miss the time when my body seemed less of a burden and more of a joy, and when I had someone who I could turn to for physical, animal comfort: a cuddle, a kiss, a fuck.

Now that I’ve puzzled this out and written it down, I wonder if the dreams will stop. I’m not sure I want them to.

On to Plan B

I’ve been spending a lot of time hiding inside my house lately. I still get out for knitting group once a week, and I’ve had some local excursions with friends here and there, but mostly I’ve been rationing my energy for the big eye surgery late last month.

Everything happened as planned and/or advised. My insurance company rejected the claim for the surgery, so I paid all the fees out-of-pocket. The costs I had to pick up not only included the surgeon’s fee, anesthesiologist’s fee, and the cost of the device, but also the post-op eye drops at the pharmacy. Thanks for really sticking it to me, healthcare plan! I hold out hope that with the device manufacturer and surgeon’s office continuing to pursue this I will eventually get reimbursed. In the meantime, my savings account is nearly $6,000 lower, BUT I will get cash rewards on the costs ’cause I used a credit card with a 1.5% reward on all purchases. #silverlining

Sadly (the crying and sobbing type of sadly), the procedure did not work for me. There were promising signs at first. The initial post-op visit the day after was good. The doctor was pleased with the pressure drop and he thought everything looked great. One week later I returned for another check. Again, we were really happy with the progress. The pressure had gone up to 16, which is in the desired range, and seems pretty normal for me. (My left eye — the unaffected one — usually has a pressure around there.)

But…but…this week I returned for another post op check and the news was not so good. The pressure was back up to 36, which is way above my target of 20 or less, and about where it was when I was initially diagnosed two years ago. The doctor did something very uncomfortable to my eye with a needle right there in the office (the eye was numbed, but I was still freaked out and required some literal hand-holding by staff), but that didn’t help one bit.

Now I am back on the glaucoma eye drops to bring the pressure down as much as possible. The doc says that I’ve formed a cyst that is preventing the current device from working properly. I’m just too “young and healthy,” as he says.

What’s next? Plan B is to have another surgery so the surgeon can implant yet another drainage device in my eye and remove as much scar tissue as possible.

There are some small mercies this time around. 1) The insurance company should not put up a fuss about paying for this device since it is older tech that’s been around for several years. 2) The surgeon had a cancellation on his calendar, so I won’t have to wait quite as long as he projected. Instead of a surgery date in October or November, I snagged a spot at the end of September.

What if this doesn’t work? I don’t know. There is nothing that can be done about the ICE Syndrome that caused the glaucoma. I don’t think there is any way of predicting how long it will take the glaucoma to progress to the extent I lose all vision in that eye, but that is the inevitable outcome of the disease.

I had all these thoughts that once I had my eye issue taken care of I could focus on getting rid of all the weight I’ve gained from forced inactivity the past couple years. There are no physical reasons I can’t go the gym and start making my body smaller and stronger. But there are other reasons why this isn’t happening for me right now. I’m sad and depressed. I need gentle encouragement, and a partner/friend who is similarly matched would help a lot. I simply don’t have anyone like that in my life right now, and I just can’t muster much energy to tackle that issue.

I can manage to keep most of my work commitments, feed myself and my dog, keep the house clean, and take care of my personal hygiene. Those are the only expectations I can place on myself right now.

So for now, my restorative self-care is mainly allowing myself plenty of naps, short walks with my dog, playing games with my dog at home, knitting and watching streaming entertainment, and reading when it doesn’t tire my eyes too much.