The progress loop trends downward

I’m in a bit of a dip again. I was doing really well until a few days ago. Last weekend I was knocking it out of the park: quigong at the gym on Friday, a long walk on Saturday morning with a new walking group (social time and exercise!), all the eye drops remembered, sensible eating and drinking, and adequate rest. I had a fun time visiting with a friend in San Francisco on Sunday, and felt some good restoration from a weekend of self-care.

As last week progressed I started to lose my grip. My work days weren’t going as planned (Ha, ha, ha! When do they ever?!) and I’m worried about missing some deadlines now. The House passed that stupid healthcare bill and since I’m a walking set of pre-existing conditions these days and have several people I care about who are, too, I started to panic inside. I went to quigong on Friday again, but was having trouble maintaining my focus. By afternoon I had ENOUGH when a random dude on a bike stopped me as I was rolling my trash bins into my driveway. He offered “help,” which apparently consisted of telling me the best way to do it myself. I let him ride away a few feet before commenting out loud that I didn’t need to be mansplained how to deal with my trash bins. Later, as I pulled in the parking lot of the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions (of yet more eye drops, of course), some other dude tried to pull out in front of me. When I tapped the horn to get his attention he stopped, but then yelled at me through his open window that I needed to “Slow down!” I completely lost it at that time and hurled foul words in his direction out my own open car window (many juicy F-bombs were dropped) and continued to grumble as I exited my car that I was TIRED OF MEN TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!

I coddled myself Friday night by eating leftovers, not turning on the news (or the TV at all, for that matter), and consuming a stiff vodka martini. But I did myself a disservice by poking around too much online. I had bad dreams that night, and the imagery was pulled from my browsing history. I roused myself at some early hour from a dream where I was in a small camper/tiny house that was inside another building or warehouse and was being ejected through the wall by a malevolent force. The only good thing about the night is I managed to wake up just enough to break through that dream cycle, but not enough that I was fully awake and unable to get back to sleep.

Still, I dragged myself out of bed with the sunrise and managed to make the walking group again. I visited the farmers market and got some yummies, but didn’t buy more than I can consume this week, and then hustled home to cook lunch. I met with a (very strong) potential short-term renter for this harvest season, and had a short rest to make up for my broken sleep.

Last night’s social event was spent with a friend I’ve made through my local knitting group (and also the local UU church when I decide to attend). We spent the evening enjoying some take out Indian food, a small amount of wine, and working on our knitting projects while we watched a movie. I had brought over Moonlight, which I’ve had on request from the library for (seemingly) ages. Wow. I struggled with understanding some of the dialog, but still. Wow. I couldn’t help crying at the end. This poor young man was so lonely, and I associated with it maybe too much.

I had such high hopes that when sister had moved here for good that we would friends and I’d have companionship. But that hasn’t turned out to be the case. Of course. Those expectations were unrealistic, yet I can’t seem to shut off the part of me that has them. Just today as we discussed a possible outing together she started using a nasty, impatient voice and then turned around and denied her annoyance when I mentioned it and blamed me for having an attitude. The outing never happened, needless to say.

Here’s another thing: I’ve been dealing with a “crush” the past month. It’s stupid, really, really stupid to have an attraction like this. I’m too embarrassed even to write more details about it, quite frankly, but it’s there and I am trying to shut it down really hard and failing. The person I am crushing on has no reason to know that I exist, and I wouldn’t even approach him and make him aware that I do since I feel so rotten about myself right now and I know I just could not stand any rejection.

So, I really identify with this aspect of the main character in Moonlight. That longing for connection and loneliness that’s not there. That had been there for a brief time, but was lost. I wish I could just shut down any romantic notions I have and make them go away permanently. I’m swearing off any romance novels for the near future, at least. I just can’t let my subconscious get any ideas that I’ll be encountering someone as I go about my life where there is a mutual attraction and a plausible chance of a relationship. I’m trying to sternly keep myself focused on strengthening friendships and taking care of myself. Those are realistic goals, at least.


7 thoughts on “The progress loop trends downward

  1. It sounds like you’re having a really rough weekend, sending you hugs. I’m so sorry – I take full responsibility for the Cylon inspired nightmares. I tend to be prone to them, and have had several in the last week at every sleep – so I am terribly sorry to have inadvertently sent you some!

    And I’m sorry to hear about your sister’s rudeness. I understand now why everyone who has a sister gives me a pitying “no you don’t” look when I used to wish for one. I think we tend to assume we should have a good relationship with our siblings and it’s so hard to fight the hope they’ll change when you don’t have that, isn’t it? Of all people, I should be utterly and totally devoid of hope but I catch myself wishing sometimes for an impossibility. I wish and wonder if there’s any way my brother will turn things around and at least stop being a total resource suck and walking time bomb. There really is no such chance, I’ll never trust him enough to let him near JuggerBaby or know my address, but yet the wish for something better to happen remains. It’s a bit inexplicable given our history so I understand how you could still hope for civility from your own sister.

    And I’m no expert on relationships or feelings but you’re not at all stupid for having a crush! You’re human. It happens. ❤

    From one preexisting condition cluster to another, may we have a better week ahead where the Senate either fully vetos the AHCA or all the Yea votes fall into a pit.


  2. It does sound like you are building yourself a nice community of people to spend time with. To me, having those connections are the most important part of my health and sanity. Have you tried any hiking clubs? Sierra club? I hear it has a big group out your way. If you still feel lonely, it sounds like maybe you haven’t made the right connections yet. One good friend that you have chemistry with can Change everything. You are doing all the right things. You’ll get there and everyone has bad days.

    I remember last week at work, it was really bad (lots of chaos at work out of my control that is affecting my job. I am in sales and customers get mad when they can’t get their stuff, especially if you are the only one who makes it). At one point, I just laid down on the floor and said, I can’t do this anymore. It partly was because I was really sick that week too. Anyway, I did call a work friend and he talked me off the cliff and things did get better as I started to feel better. We all have those days. Not everyone admits they do though.

    I am also very annoyed that I can’t lose weight easily anymore. The scale just doesn’t move down.

    If you want to get away. I have a spare room in the Berkshires not far from the Boston symphony’s summer home and lots of Shakespeare. Summer season starts after Memorial Day. You are welcome to escape here if needed.


  3. A little crush never hurt anyone. You don’t have to act on it – just enjoy. 🙂 Hang in, things sound crazy for you at the moment. I can tell you that it took me at LEAST three years to begin to make good friends when I moved to SoCal back in the day. I think you are doing great with making friends there. You can do this!


  4. Could be he thinks you’d never look twice at him, no? Could a person “accidentally” find a way to speak to him, like “hold that elevator!” or some such? “Nice day, isn’t it? And what time do you get off work?” 😉

    Sister: too bad we can’t choose our relatives, eh? Hmmm… Imagine if Amazon sold brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles. Or even rented them…renting might be better, because it would be easier to return them if they got snippety.

    What on earth would possess some guy to bicycle up and start dispensing advice? Was this his idea of making a pass? Good grief!

    Wine and knitting: more of it. Sleep: more of it. Nuisances: less of them.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s