In my head

Riding the ferry into San Francisco today, we hit some wake and begin to bounce a bit. (I love when this happens.) In my head, I am back on another boat in the Bahamas. This is the boat my boyfriend’s brother owns and we’re all going out for the day to play on Rose Island (which was a small, undeveloped island at the time). I have the bow rope in my hand and I’m “riding” the waves while standing. My knees are slightly bent and I bounce as we hit each wave straight on. My hair is blowing around my face and the spray is lightly showering me. I can taste the salt on my lips.

My eyes are closed as I’m lost in my memory. In real-time I smile. My lips curve up and my eyes crinkle a bit.

In my head, I feel kisses on my lips. Soft lips are firmly kissing my mouth, my jaw, down my neck, and.. For a few minutes I’m lost in a sensual revelry that I’m glad isn’t visible to the other passengers around me. I open my eyes and see a man looking at me, then quickly away. He must have seen me smiling.

Lately I have been feeling the ghost of my wedding ring on my left ring finger. Why? It’s been nearly seven years since I took it off. I can’t even recall if I did that before or after I went into court that day. But I feel it now, and find myself reaching for it with my thumb to rub it and turn it around like I used to do sometimes.

This week the movie Boyhood has been on TV. I’ve watched the entire movie twice now. I keep recalling the scene at the end where Patricia Arquette sits in her apartment crying as her son packs up to leave for college. “I thought there would be more,” she says. Me, too.


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