The pause that refreshes

Wasn’t that a Coca-Cola commercial at one time? I know it was from some sort of commercial, but I couldn’t resist the temptation to make it the title because I am refreshed. I don’t know if I feel all excited about heading back to work tomorrow, but I do feel pretty good right now.

I gave myself permission to just relax this weekend and it worked. I ran errands on Saturday but I spent yesterday and today at home. And it really feels good to just kick back and be restful in my own home.

Yesterday I had some friends over in the afternoon and into the evening, but not too late. None of my friends are late night folk these days. I prepared some cold salads and grilled some chicken, and we relaxed on the porch and just conversed. I also made a fresh peach pie for dessert and it was totally yummy.

What’s made this so different for me is that I am not feeling stretched to make time for anyone else. As Erica Jong said in Fear of Flying, “Everyone wants to own their own soul,” and I had been feeling like that wasn’t the case.

This being alone time is interesting. At times I’m very happy to be on my own and at other times I’m feeling mopey, lonely, and afraid. I guess that’s fairly normal, though. One thing I don’t feel is overwhelmed. I used to feel quite overwhelmed with running my life AND keeping the other person in it happy, whether that was my ex-husband or G. And it’s not as if either of them overtly asked for me to give up more of myself than I wanted to in a desire to make them happy, I did it anyway. So I have to learn from that so I can try to make it not happen again.

I think I learned quite a bit about myself at Esalen and I’ve been holding on to that sense of knowing as much as possible. When was it that I lost the knack of living on my own? When was it that I thought it was necessary to be beholden to someone else: someone I would see or speak to every day or night? The days seem longer now, but not in an unpleasant way. I have more time back for me and I’m relishing every bit of it.

One thing that’s likely now that I’ve sworn off dating for a while is that I will be writing more here on my blog. I think that’s a good thing.

Today I’ve sat outside on my porch for hours, enjoying the moderate temps and the sunshine while alternately reading and knitting. I made time for few small chores in the house (a bit of laundry, some tidying/moving things around, watering the garden, and tending the hens) but otherwise I’ve just been incredibly self-indulgent. I feel so much better for it. More grateful, more centered, more refreshed. Thank you, universe, for a wonderful day. And there’s still more to come. Lovely.

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