I’ve been back here in the “real world” for a few days now and I think the bliss is finally starting to wear thin in a few places.
As is often true, I’ve caused most of the disruption myself. I had a difficult conversation with G the other night and am blundering through the process of bringing a relationship to a different place. I had thought that it may be possible to make this situation less intense but still viable; now I think it just has to end completely. In other words, I’m dealing with a break up here.
Why is there so often imbalance in relationships? One person wants more than the other person and then you have a mess on your hands. I’ve never been good in these situations, maybe because I’m typically the one who wants more and gets dumped.
But what’s happening here is so much a pattern for me that I need to put a halt to it. I wasn’t looking for a steady partner, yet that’s what I got. Someone who sort of stealthily creeped into my life, and before I knew it I was giving, giving, giving again.
G is miserable and lets me know that. “Why did it seem you were so into this relationship, too?” Good question.
Answer: because that’s what I do. I see what the other person wants/needs and I give it to them. I don’t really pay attention to what I need or want, I just give it up. And I’m OK with that for a while, too. I’ll blithely go along and not realize why I’m getting uncomfortable in my own skin. Mom taught me well in so many ways.
Oh, and it is seductive to we wanted so badly. I spent several years of marriage where I felt unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated in many ways. I wasn’t getting any sex at all, either, and I like sex. So, it’s also hard to say no to spending time with someone who’s been giving me lots of good sex.
I heard my friends and my therapist express some concern for me and the path I was on, but I just kept going and making excuses to them and myself. It took a week away for me to feel like I broke the spell and could tackle this situation.
Now I feel like a shit for making G so unhappy. He’s a good guy who deserves a good partner.
But I’m not partnering with anyone right now. When I heard my friends and therapist say that I hadn’t spent any real time alone I just brushed them off. So what? Is it an obligation to spend time alone after a divorce?
Well, now I see the wisdom of it. I’m falling right back into repeating patterns that resulted in an unhappy marriage, and I’m not as comfortable being on my own as I thought I was.
I woke up this morning and felt…lonely. The dogs were there with me, of course, but I was the only person around. And because that scares me a bit, I think it needs exploring.