On being alone

On the relationship front, I’m still bumping along with the stuff that one must do to get divorced.

I saw a mortgage banker on Friday to get the financing details all straightened out. That was a good meeting as it helped me feel confident and empowered about my ability to take care of myself. It’s still scary to think that I will be paying the mortgage and bills all by myself, but on paper it all works out. I’m even borrowing a bit more so I can (finally!!) remodel the kitchen. Getting a dishwasher will be sweet!

But all of this stuff won’t happen until January most likely. December will be spent slogging through more negotiations between me, Mark and the lawyers. That is just so depressing. Especially since I really just want this over and done with as fast as possible now.

I want to go on a mini-vacation for a few days to adjust and refresh. I want to get moving on the planning around the kitchen remodel. I really just want to get on with my life.

On the one hand, having Mark living here with me still is sort of disrupting all of these plans and making me irritated. On the other hand, when he is not here I start feeling lonely. I don’t miss him, I just miss having someone here with me.

I lived on my own for several years before getting married to Mark. I used to really enjoy living alone and being able to do what I wanted during my free time. But for the past 12 years that hasn’t been the case. While the freedom sounds intoxicating and good in theory, in practice I still have some adjusting to do.

This weekend was really good for me up until tonight. I met Rachael, Jamie, and Shannon on Friday after work for a dinner out and a walk through the Christkindlmarkt at Daley Plaza. (I was very good and didn’t buy anything there: not even a snack or drink.)

Last night, I met up with Rachael and Jamie again for a movie night. Rachael cooked us a yummy dinner of lamb burgers, roasted sweet potato, and salad. Then we went to see Let the Right One In. Jamie hated the movie, but Rachael and I liked it. The cinematography was great and the characters were interesting. It was certainly not a light-hearted movie, but it wasn’t all doom and gloom either.

Tonight, though, I am alone for now and it’s got me feeling a bit sad. In the past several years, I sort of enjoyed these hours alone before Mark came home from a get together with his guy friends or some other such diversion. He will be coming back to the house tonight, but in the not too distant future I will be here all by myself. And that just sucks.

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3 thoughts on “On being alone

  1. It does not suck! Why change sometimes does suck, it can also be good and rejuvenating. Right now you’re a worm in a cocoon all nice and cozy but next year you’ll brake free of the past and morph into a beautiful butterfly, yada yada yada. You’re a strong and independent woman who can take care of herself, be proud. And no I’ve not been drinking, Suze Orman was on channel 11’s pledge drive tonight… 🙂

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  2. Hang in there!! I’ve been thinking about you, wondering how you are. yarnsnob is right, you will emerge from this stronger, and more beautiful than ever…me too I hope!

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  3. Sometimes it does suck to be alone, and yet, as you learn to enjoy your own company again (and you will), remember that you have friends and family who love you 🙂

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