Giving thanks

I was thinking this morning of what I’m thankful for. After all, this is Thanksgiving day. So, although I’ve had what seems like a very challenging year so far, I still think I have many things to be thankful for.

  • My closest friends and family. Over the past two months especially, I would have had a much worse time getting through the days and nights without the love and support they provided me whenever I needed it.
  • Colleagues and friends in my community. This is a bit harder to express well, but it is greatly affirming to get words of support, thanks, and expressions of caring from the people I work with daily and the friends I’ve formed through community. My community extends beyond my neighborhood to those with whom I share common interests such as chicken keeping, gardening, and living more sustainably.
  • My job and workplace. Yes, I complain about it at times and have gone through periods of frustration like most people, but I am very happy to be working for a good company and to have a job in these crazy times.
  • My pets. My dogs and chickens give me a sense of grounding and help me maintain a routine so my life doesn’t seem too topsy-turvy.
  • My health. I’ve had health challenges this year, but I’m much better than I was and I have more good health to look forward to.

I’m spending today with my sister, niece, nephew, mother, and stepfather. We’ll eat the traditional foods: turkey, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, etc. And we’ll probably have a few tussles during the day where someone will say something awkward or a bit mean to someone else. But that will be OK. We’ll be together, and that’s the thing that really matters.

Happy Thanksgiving Day to all!

Swing high, swing low

Did I mention that getting divorced sucks? I think I did.

This past week was one of spectacularly low productivity on the work front, yet it’s been impressively high on the home front. I’m not certain why, but I am compelled to jump into homemaker role at this time.

I cook something nourishing and healthy nearly every night, and package it up in lunch-sized containers that I freeze to take to work. I then clean up the kitchen immediately afterwards so it’s nice and tidy. I’ve plowed through piles of personal mail that have accumulated over many weeks, filed stuff that likewise buried the top of my desk, cleaned closets, bagged up nearly all the leaves from the trees myself, and alsmost completed a winter retrofit for the Eglus and coop.

Whew! And still, I have the energy to get despondent over what is happening. I think I’ve been trying to avoid completing the atrocious Disclosure Statement (Pursuant to Rul 13.3.1 (b)) that is required in Cook County. This form is soul-killing. It makes you sum your entire marriage up into a set of numbers: furniture and appliance repair/replacement expenses, personal grooming expenses, clubs/social obligations/entertainment/ (including dining out) expenses, stock assets, bond assets, real property assets, etc., etc., etc.

After way too many hours working on this form, our first run through seems to conclude that we spend about $1,000 a month more than we bring in together. Which is just not correct. If it was, how is that we are able to save so much??? This is totally maddening in many ways.

So, I’ve had a weekend of highs and lows.

I spent yesterday not working at all on my personal business or my work. Instead, I went to Adrienne‘s with Jamie and Rachael where we also met up with Kris for a day of simple fun. We ate yummy food, knit or spun (depending on our personal inclinations and skills), and watched a fun Bollywood film.

And then today it was back to reality. Except for a brief excursion to let the chickens out in the early morning, I slept in. Then I got to work. Literally. I had several hours worth of work to do that had to be completed today. Then I moved on to the horrid forms. And then I had to take a break and do a bit of work outside, because I was starting to wig out on the stuff.

Cleaning the yard and chicken coop whilst weeping in despair really gets one nowhere. The chickens just don’t give a damn, and it really didn’t make me feel any better. I popped some Arnica, but these homeopathic remedies just don’t seem to work that well for me. I’m nearly ready to take a lovely Xanax instead.

I held off so I could be fairly alert for when Mark when returned to the house. Again, not that this was very productive, but I just had to tell him that he was totally fishing up my life (to borrow a turn of phrase from the Bollywood films…just look it up, OK?) and being a selfish bastard. That all of this was his fault. After all, I wasn’t the one who checked out of the relationship and gave up loving the other person. Of course he doesn’t see it that way. He said that’s my “story” and that I am equally at fault here.

Well, he can just go fish for all I care. Yeah, I know this isn’t the fun and informative blog anymore. But it’s me.

Baby steps

Well, I’ve nearly made it to the end of another week, which I count as quite an accomplishment. My stress level has been way too high lately, and I really need a break.

Besides this divorce thing I’ve got going on, work has been sort of…well…topsy turvy. Like too many others these days, there have been layoffs going on and a general sense of tension in the air. So far, me and my direct reports have escaped the layoff cycle, and I can only keep hoping that things stay that way.

In my personal saga, I reached a milestone today: I signed my Petition of Dissolution of Marriage, scanned it, and emailed it back to the attorney. From there it will follow whatever path the legal system requires to get filed and acknowledged by Mark and his attorney. We continue to work on the required financial disclosure forms, which ask us to break out exactly how much is spent on things like personal care products every month. I guess in Cook County, IL they REALLY want to make sure things are split up fairly.

And in other personal milestones, today I gave myself my first B-12 shot at home. I saw the doctor last week and we figuratively threw up our hands about why my B-12 keeps dropping (recall my antibody tests came back OK, so this isn’t autoimmune) and just decided to supplement through injection. I tried it in her office last week successfully, but today was the first day I did it solo with no one around. It went just fine; giving yourself an IM injection is pretty easy, I’ve found.

Now if we could only figure out why my Vitamin D level is also nose-diving! Despite me supplementing with 1400 units of D a day, my level plummeted between June and October. And remember this this was during prime sunlight season when I was out working the garden and yard sans sunscreen at least some of the time. Now I’m taking 2400 units of Vitamin D a day and we’ll retest in another month or so to see if it’s helping.

Considering all I’ve been through these past few months, I guess I’m really not surprised that my body is quickly depleting the anti-stress and immune boosting nutrients. I’ll just have to hang in there and hope that I get my healthy equilibrium back in the coming months.

Here it goes

Well, I’ve put this off long enough, so here it goes…

I don’t usually write a lot of personal stuff on this blog, but that is about to change. I can choose to either not write about what’s been absorbing me so much lately and just not blog at all, or I can choose to spill it all here in writing. I choose the latter.

I’m getting divorced.

This saddens me deeply and angers me, too. We’ve been married 11 years and just passed our anniversary last month. We were trying to work through why we’ve been less loving with each other the past 2-3 years, but that work basically stopped earlier this year. Instead, my husband started remaking his life and turning even further away from me. He doesn’t want to work on our relationship anymore and he doesn’t love me anymore. So there’s really nothing for me to do about it except call a lawyer and start laying in the kleenex.

I have wonderful friends who have been helping me through this, but it is still very hard. I must continue to work (now more than ever I’ll need the income so I can try to pay the mortgage and all the bills myself), but I just get very sad at times and have trouble concentrating. I’m not getting enough sleep and consider myself lucky if I get more than 4 hours a night.

My life is changing profoundly. I tell myself it will be for the best, but that doesn’t help me in the here and now. At this point, I’d just like it over and done with, but it is just starting.

My lawyer advises that there is a possibility of having this all over with by the end of the year if we can both remain cordial, cooperative, and reasonable about dividing the property. So, that’s what I’m doing.

But this sucks.